St. Simeon Stylites Parish Bulletin

Mass Times:

Monday to Friday - 5am and Midnight
Saturday - 4am
Saturday Vigil Mass - 11pm
Sunday - 4am-6am-10am-11pm-Midnight

Please feel free to join us in the crypt for bread and water after the liturgy.
      
Sacrament of Penance:

 24/7. Ashes and flagelation accesories are provided for the convenience of parishioners wishing to atone for their sins in earnest.

Marriage:

Couples wishing to mary must attend Marriage Preparation Bootcamp.

Couples seeking to annul their marriage will be shot on sight.

N.B. - Exorcisms will only be performed without an appointment in cases of grave necessity.
Upcoming Events:

Beginning this Thursday Sr. Olga will be teaching Applied Martyrdom: A Practical Guide for the Modern Christian from 7 to 9 in the evening. This week's topic: Lions.

Rome has recieved our request for a special dispensation to bring back the much missed Catholic tradition of burning witches, heretics, and other undesireables to death. We are informed that the request is undergoing due consideration and we will be notified as soon as a decision has been reached.


This Friday Fr. Vigilantius hosts an interactive multimedia presentation of the Eight Pains of Hell: Worms, Darkness, The Scourge, Ice Cold, Burning Fire, Sight of the Devil, Remorse, and Endless Lamentation. Everyone is engouraged to attend.

A member of our parish was recently beaten into a bloody pulp by abortion enthusiasts at a pro-life rally. The Knights Templar will be selling her bones to raise money for graphic pictures of aborted fetuses.

Mrs. Martha Greene has passed away at the age of 93. Fortunately, she was raised from the dead by Fr. Malachi and is now well. The Welcome Back Martha
party will be held in the crypt tonight at 8:00pm.
Sunday Refflection:

"I saw an angel standing in the sun, and he shouted aloud
to all the birds that were flying high overhead in the sky,
'Come here. Gather together at the great feast that God
is giving. There will be the flesh of kings for you, and the
flesh of great generals and heroes, the flesh of horses and
their riders and all kinds of men, citizens and slaves, small
and great.'
- Apocalypse of Saint John the Divine (19:17-18)
Vision Statement:

"The Lord is a Man of War"

Mission Statement:

We are an unwelcoming, non-inclusive Catholic community centered in orthodoxy, grounded in zeal, hardcore, living and unleashing our faith with deadly force.
 Our Sponsors:

BBQ Heretic Solutions Inc.
"Cookin' Since 1282"

Saint Agatha Martyrdom Insurance
Affordable. Family packages available.

Vulgata Magazine
"Like a Lion"

The New Life Cast-Iron Bible Company
"Thump 'em Good"
Entrance Hymn:

O Virga Ac Diadema (Dead Rite Book of Worship#39)
Words and Music by Saint Hildegard of Bingem

Communion Hymn:

Anthem (Dead Rite Book of Worship #244)
Words and Music by Leonard Cohen

Closing Hymn:

Goin' by the Book (Dead Rite Book of Worship #45)
Words and Music by Johnny Cash

 Mass Intentions

That the Mighty may be Cast Down from their Thrones and the Proud Shattered in their Deceits.

For the Temples of Baal and the Halls of Mammon, that they may soon be Consumed in a mighty Conflagration.

We pray for Blasphemers, Fornicators, Idolaters, Heretics, Sodomites, Drunkards, Sluggards, Catamites, Amazons, Sorcerors, Protestants, Bankers and Liturgists; that they may come to know the love of Jesus.