The following is a mildly Screwtapian parody of the sort of jargon that the secular media peddles. It is a news article for a pretended ancient newspaper called "The Latest Thing" by a brightly skeptical, flippant sounding journalist reporting on the golden calf incident in Exodus. The whole idea is to contrast the timelessness of the Bible with the lingua franca of pop culture and expose as vacuous language like "90% of Catholics agree that the Church should allow contraception" or "Recent polls indicate that most Catholics favour women's ordination ." It's high time that we did to the language of pseudo-ecumenical slush.-- David Elliot
 The theocratic dogmatists of the tribe of Levi continue to rail against the 'sin of Sodom." If only they knew, they might also be railing against the house of the King... Whilst David's more 'normal' sexual sins have been published across throughout the kingdom, new testimony suggests that his appetites may have extended beyond the fleshly union of woman and man. An informant, who
wishes his name
withheld on account of David's manifestly despotic treatment of those
who speak out against him, says that he saw David and his beloved
friend Jonathan, son of the late King Saul, "kissing and
weeping" on a hill outside of the royal household. Though only a
boy at the time, he recalls it clearly, "They were being very
secretive. They seemed to have established some sort
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of code by which
they could communicate with each other." The code, it seems,
involved the use of A spokesindividual from the local chapter of the Guild of Homoerotic Worshippers -- a multifaith assembly devoted to preserving the rites of sacred prostitution for men and women alike -- noted that "It is utterly typical of the sort of hypocrisy that we find festering in these establishments of self-declared 'Holy Men,' that they should openly proclaim their brash adulteries, while resorting to childish antics to cover up the legitimate expression of their deep love for the bodies of other men." Needless to say, the publicists of the royal house have denied the allegations with their typical hate-mongering, pointing out that "David is clearly favoured by the Lord God of Isreal, who has declared these actions are an abomination before him," and citing such dubious and antiquated texts as the archaic 'Law of Moses.' Confronted with the fact that Jonathan's robe, tunic and belt were once discovered in David's possession -- presumably forgotten after a romantic moonlight tryst -- they claimed that this was "a gift made in friendship, to cement a covenant between the two." David, presumably wishing to avoid public censure, denied that his relationship with Jonathan was of a homosexual nature. Failing to comment in detail, he merely muttered, "How many women does a man have to sleep with before you'll believe that he's straight?" How many indeed?
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